Jill and Nemesis's Excellent Adventure
by S.T.A.R.S
Summary: This is a story based on the game Resident Evil 3. This is my first attempt at humour so please be gentle. This is rated R for swearing and voilence, please read and review.
1. Introduction

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does, I do however own Chris Thompson , Adam Richford, Peter Dalmaris, Marry Cataldo and Tom Burton. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my first fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker at the moment.  
  
This is my first attempt at comedy so please be gentle:)  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"FFFFFFFFuck", screamed Jill as she was thrown through the air by a nearby explosion. Jill hit the ground with a thud. She immediately got up on her feet and dusted herself off. Her ears still rang from the explosion, she shook her head to try to stop the ringing. However hard she shook it, the ringing wouldn't stop.   
  
She looked around her she was in an alleyway, the direction she had just been thrown from was blocked by an intense fir created by the explosion. She noticed that there were several zombies closing in on her fast. They would corner her if she didn't do something fast. If only she had bought her handgun thought Jill. Jill could feel something heavy in her right hand.  
She looked down at her right hand and saw a machine gun. What the fuck thought Jill. How the hell did that get there?   
  
The zombies were now only metres from her, and were closing in fast from each direction around her.  
  
Jill shrugged her shoulders and flashed a wicked smile. Who cares thought Jill? this sick puupy will do nicely. Jill was about to open fire when she relised that here ears were still ringing. She relised the ringing wasn't coming from her ears but from a mobile phone in one of her pockets.  
  
She pulled out phone and demanded, "Hello, whos there?"  
  
"Eh this is the director of RE3"  
  
The zombies were still closing in.  
  
What the hell did the director of RE3 want? She glared at the closet zombie and shouted, "Just wait one second before you savage me, i have a phone call i have to answer."  
  
The zombie stopped dead in its tracks and said,"Oops sorry."  
  
The rest of the zombies stopped and milled around mindlessly.  
  
Jill put the phone back to her ear and blasted, "What the hell do you want? can't you see i'm a bit busy at the moment?"  
  
There was a long pause, then a sincere voice on the other end of the line said, "I'm just calling to say sorry for the explosion intro. We were going to make it better but decided hey this game is only to try and squueze as much money out of RE2's success until RE Code Vernica comes out."  
  
There was a brief chuckle on the other end of the phone.  
  
One of the zombies heard what the director said and let out a out a little giggle.  
  
Jill glared at the zombie and shouted, "Hey don't make me come over there."  
  
The zombie ceased giggling immediately.  
  
Jill had lost her train of thought by the giggling zombie. What the hell was she thinking about? Oh yeah she was about to talk about the shit intro to RE3.  
  
Jill blasted back with,"For fucks sake, the intro was so sick until until you had to have me start off with this gay explosion. The reason for the explosion wasn't even shown. At least with RE2 you had a zombie trucker try to run down Claire and Leon. Doesn't Capcom pay you guys to be a bit more creative? Didn't you ever think of doing something original like perhap the intro involving me at the police station when it was attacked? Or maybe an intro with me capping some zombie arses? C'mon if a big girl like Leon can do why can't I?"  
  
One of the nearby zombies heard the last comment and couldn't help himself and laughed.  
  
Jill trained her machine gun on the zombie and gave it a quick burst. The bullets tore through the zombie. The zombie ceased giggling and fell dead in a pool of its blood. All the nearby zombies piled on top of their now dead undead comrade and proceeded to feast upon him.  
  
Jill put the phone back to her ear and shouted, "Can you at least tell me what caused this explosion?"  
  
The director chuckled and said, "Thats easy to explain, it all happened when..... ummmm."  
  
There was a briefpause.  
  
A very embarassed director said,"Ummmmm i'll have to get back to you on that, i'm not quite sure why it happened, i'll get back to you on that."  
  
Jill let out a frustrated sigh and hung up on the director. She then shoved the phone in one of her pockets.  
  
Jill ran by the zombies who were not aware that the phone conversation had ended. They were still too busy feasting on the fallen zombie. She ran to the end of the alleyway and found that there was a dumpster blocking the way. There was no choice but to climb it, she climbed it and looked back at the zombies.  
  
The zombies had just caught on that the phone conversation had ended.  
  
One of the zombies could be heard saying, "Hey that was not fair."   
  
Jill stood their on top of the dumpster with her hands on her hips and triumphantly shouted, "Hey losers, you should be embarassed to call yourselves bilogical weapons."  
  
The zombies ignored hee and shuffled back to where they came from. Jill was unhappy, what a bunch of rude fucks they were, they didn't even hang around to hear her insults.  
  
Jill turned arounf and jumped of the dumpster. There was a door in front of her that lead to another alleyway. She turned around to be greeted by the same group of zombies she thought she had lost. They had taken a detour to get to her.  
  
Jill cursed under her breath.   
  
She noticed that the zombies were cornering her. She backed up against the door. Don't worry she told herself, someone will be here to save me any moment now. In RE1 thats what always happened when i got into serious shit. Chris or Barry will be here soon to save me. She began to relax and decided she'd pick on the zombies a bit more.  
  
She looked at the surrounding group and encouraged them to get her. Thats right come closer then Barry with his big old magnum will blow all your heads off.  
  
As they closed in she suddenly remembered that Chris had skipped town and Barry had taken his family somewhere safe out of Raccoon City.  
  
She was now beginning to panic. She should off bolted while she had the chance.  
  
Jill nervously said, "C..C..C'mon on fellas i didn't mean what i said back there, i was only joking, can't you take a joke?"  
  
All the zombies shook there heads and continued to close in on her.  
  
Jill realised that there was no way out of the situation and decided to try and break the door down behind her. of course she knew she could open it easilt but for some reason she felt compelled to add a bit more drama to the scene. She barged against the door a few times until it opened. Just as she threw herself through, one of the zombies lunged at her. She closed the door just in time.  
  
A zombie on the other side of the door could be heard saying, "Hey that was not fair."  
  
She looked back at the door and laughed she had won against them again. She then said, "Hahahah two times in a row, why don't you dumb fucks give up?"   
  
The zombies could be heard on the other side of the door desperately clawing at the door to get to Jill.  
  
Jill did a little victory dance and shook her butt. She thought to herself that maybe she should try to runaway from them while she could. She immediately pushed that thought out of her mind and decided to gloat afor a bit.  
  
Jill was suddenly broken from her victory dance when she heard a creak.   
  
Jill looked back at the door she had just come through.   
  
"Hey its unlocked," said one of the zombies.  
  
Jill froze and whispered, "Oh crap."  
  
The zombies piled through the door, eager to get their hands on the smart arse women who keeps tricking them.  
  
Jill turned around and ran down the alleyway. She found a door to a building nearby and decided that she could hide in their. She opened the door and through herself in.  
  
  
OK i know that was fairly crap, i'll put a few more chapters up if anyone liked it. I'm aware that zombies don't talk but its meant to be humorous so just accept it. 


	2. Its payback time

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my first fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
A survivor...  
  
Jill ran down stairs and approached the survivor.   
  
Jill observed the survivor, he was male, in his 40's years, middle aged and boy was he a fat shit.   
  
Jill was first to speak up, "We need to find a way out of here fat boy."  
  
"Are you crazy not with those monsters out there, they just killed my daughter," said the survivor.  
  
There was a brief pause to add to the atmosphere and drama.  
  
"C'mon tubby we need to get out of here. Theres going to be no rescue party to save your sorry arse," stressed Jill.  
  
"I'd rather starve to death in here then be eaten by one of those monsters," said the survivor.  
  
"Are you sure you'd rather starve to death? You look like you enjoy your food way too much for that. If you come with me I know this good McDonalds, its not far away then you could stuff yourself silly. How about it fat boy?" said Jill.  
  
The survivor took a second to consider what Jill had just said.  
  
"Actually that sounds..... hey stop calling me fat boy. Its not a part of the script," said a very indignant survivor.  
  
Jill ignored the survivor's complaints and said, "They have have all the big macs, chees buergers and quater pounders you could eat."   
  
The survivor was now starting to become irritable.  
  
"Leave me alone you horrible lady," shouted the angry survivor.  
  
With this the survivor ran away from Jill and locked himself in a nearby cargo container.  
  
Jill ran over to the cargo container but it was too late the survivor had locked himself in it. After attempting to coax him out Jill spent the next few minutes teasing him about his weight and his poor acting skills. After a few minutes she grew bored of this and let him be.  
  
Jill looked around the building she was currently in. It looked like a warehouse, it had two levels. The bottom level contained some cargo containers, a storage area and a forklift. On the second level was an office.  
  
Jill decided to search the office, after a breif search of the office she found a key to to the warehouse exit door. Jill went downstairs and used it to get out of the building.  
  
The door lead out into an alleyway which lead onto one of the streets of Raccoon City. All was queit outside except for the occassional scream or errie zombie moan. Jill decided to walk down the alleyway, she hearding a noise of a can being kicked. She decided hide in a nearby dumpster.  
  
She poked her head up just enough to see what was going on. She saw the same group of zombies she pissed off earlier shambling there way up the alleyway towards the warehouse she had just exited from. They looked different this time though. All of them was carrying some sort of makeship weapons. A few were carrying pieces of wood, a few with crowbars and one with a sack of doorknobs. All of them looked extremely pissed.  
  
As the zombies walked by she could hear one say, "Thats where that lady went in."  
  
Another zombie said, "Alright, now its time for some arse kicking time."  
  
A low moan like cheer could heard from the rest of the zombies.  
  
The door to the warehouse could be heard opening. The zombies could be heard shuffling their way inside the warehouse.  
  
As the zombies entered one of them could be heard saying, "Hey why are we using weapons? Why don't we use our bare hands and teeth they seem to be pretty efficent at killing people?"  
  
Another angry zombies voice could heard saying,"Shutup Ed."  
  
The door slammed behind the group of zombies.  
  
Once the coast was clear Jill hopped out of the dumpster and ran away from the place as fast as she could.   
  
Jill ran through the streets of Raccoon City as fast as she could. She found that the devastation was great. The city looked like a warzone with wrecked cars and smashed up buildings everywhere. Along the way she would occassionally meet a few zombies. She had enough playing with them and cut them down where they stood as she ran along the streets of Raccoon City.  
  
Along the way she would try to open doors to shop and other buldings but they wouldn't let her in. All of them seemed to be loecked or won't budge. She had this strange sense that she was being forced to follow a linear path even though she had no idea where she wanted to go.   
  
She was beginning to get pissed off now. Why couldn't she enter all these shops and buidlings. Even when they were locked she would sometimes try to pry them open with a nearby piece of debris. But everytime she'd try it she'd get a subconcious thought saying this door is will never open, we can't let you open it, we won't let you open it.  
  
"God dammit, "she cursed.  
  
Why can't I get in? Yesterday i was able to go into every single one of these buildings but today I can't. Must be be those damn stingy programmers.  
  
Jill left the door she was currently trying to pry open and followed her predetermined linear path.  
  
As she walked along one of the alleyways thinking about Chris her thoughts were interrupted by a nearby door being opened. A survivor ran out being chased by two zombies. The survivor looked alot like chickenshit Brad.  
  
She ran in the direction that Brad and the pursueing zombies ran of in. Jill was keen to see if the zombies would get Brad's sorry little arse. She could never forgive him for not saving them earlier in the raccoon Mansion incident. She didn't care whether the radio worked or not, he should have known that they were in danger. Just as barry knew she was in danger with ceiling coming down trying to crush her. Actually how did Barry know i was there? Jill shrugged this thought off she had more important things to do.  
  
Jill followed Brad until he entered the local bar. Jill had fond memories of this place. Every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thurdsay her and the S.T.A.R.S crew would come down here for a few drink and try to pick up. Of course most of the time they would get smashed and disgrace themselves in some way but sometimes they would pick up. Of course Jill was only interested in getting with it on Chris because she knew that 3 out of 4 fanfiction resident readers wanted them to get together. Of course there was also the fact that there wasn't much of choice of good lookers out of the S.T.A.R.S crew. Barry looked like a shaved gorrilla and Wesker was so up himself he was inside out.  
  
Jill sighed at these memories and opened the door to the back entrance of the bar.  
  
  
Sorry if this chapter sucked, i'm not really putting much thought into this, it just comes as i write, which is usually not the way i write.   
  
And the writing has been kept simple due to the jokes might not be too good if the writing is too mature plus i don't want to get bogged down and bore you.  
  
I named the story Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure becuase i wanted something catchy and fairly funny. Plus this is story is a bit like a road trip/adventure for Jill and Nemesis.  
  
Please read and review :)  
  
Next chapter will be out with the day (I promise i will do this Acman)  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Bye bye Brad

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my first fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
Jill opened the door to see Brad being attacked by a zombie.  
  
Brad shouted out, "Get away from me," as he tried to push off the zombie that was desperately trying to bite into his neck.  
  
Brad managed to push away the zombie. He pulled out his berrata and began to fire shoots into the zombie. The shots however tore through the zombie and did not seem to affect it.  
  
The zombie snickered and seemed to realise that Brad wasn't a very good shot. The zombie slowly approached and was coaxing Brad to shoot better. The zombie was pointing at his head and mocking him to try and hit it. Brad tried as hard as he could but the bullets just tore through the approaching zombie's torso causing it no real harm.  
  
Brad kept shooting and shooting at the zombie until it seemed like he had unloaded 2 catridges on it.  
  
Jill looked at her watch and thought for fucks sake get it other with. Enoughs enough she thought its time to put this smart arse zombie out of his misery. She pulled out her berratta and trained it on the approaching zombie who was now giving Brad a dutch rub. It looked like the zombie was trying to have a bit of fun before killing Brad and who could balme him. Brad was such an easy target he used to be constantly picked on by fellow R.P.D officers and S.T.A.R.S members.   
  
Jill snapped herself out of her daydream and squeezed off a few shots, one of them struck the zombie in the head. The zombie was halfway through giving Brad an atomic wedgie and fell dead to the floor. In the process of doing this the elastic on Brad's underpants tore off.  
  
Jill giggled at the sight of this and only wished she had given the now dead zombie a few more seconds to finish of the wedgie.  
  
Brad winced in pain when he realised that he underpants were halfway up his crack.  
  
Jill ran over from behind the bar to speak to Brad.  
  
Brad was first to speak with, "Jill your still alive."  
  
"No shit sherlock," said a sarcastic Jill.  
  
"You have to get out of here Jill. There is a monster chasing all the S.T.A.R.S members. He wants to kill us," stressed Brad.  
  
"Hmmmm really Brad, i've noticed everything is trying to kill me too," mocked Jill.  
  
Brad replied with, "This monster is different. I have to go now. Jill you need to get out of here before it finds you." With that Brad turned towards the front door and waddled towards it. He then opened the door and ran off.  
  
As Brad closed the door Jill shouted, "Yeah run off and hide you chickenshit, thats what you do best."  
  
Jill hung around for a few minutes to drink some spirits then decided that. She grabbed one of her best friends JD (jack Daniels) which might come in handy later. She then decided that she should head to the RPD to see if anyone else was alive.  
  
She exited the bar and ran off towards the R.P.D  
  
  
10 minutes and many dead zombies later......  
  
Jill opened the gates to the R.P.D.  
  
She walked through the gates and towards the main doors to the R.P.D. When she reached halfway across the coutyard she could hear the gates open behind her. She turned around to see Brad. She noticed that the remanants of Brad's underwear had been used to finish off the original attempt at the atomic wedgie. She was quite impressed considering the elastic had been broken on them back in the bar.  
  
Brad stumbled over to Jill, each step causing him pain.  
  
Brad stuttered out, "J-J-Jill."  
  
Jill was about to reply when suddenly something jumped over the gates to the R.P.D and landed between Jill and Brad. The monster was about 10 feet tall, was wearing a grey trenchcoat, carried one mean mother of a rocket launcher and had a face only its mother could love.  
  
The monster walked towards Brad and picked him up. The monster then proceeded to impale Brad's head with a claw that shot out of its arm.  
  
When Jill saw this she whistled and cheered the monster on. It was about time someone got rid of that waste of oxygen.  
  
The Nemesis was a bit put off by this and glared at the young lady nearby. It had just done something really bad arse and there she was cheering him on.  
  
The Nemesis did not know what to do, its train of thought had been interrupted by the rude young lady. It stood their for a few seconds with Brad's dead body in one hand and a confused look on its face.  
  
Jill laughed out hysterically as she could see the monster was confused.  
  
The now embarassed Nemesis was not very happy at becoming the butt of a joke. It dropped Brad's lifeless body to the ground and turned to face Jill. He let then let out a deep throaty, "S.T.A.R.SSSSSS."  
  
Jill whispered, "Oh fuck, why do you always have to get yourself in trouble?"  
  
Jill closed her eyes expecting the worst. After a few seconds of not receiving her death blow she opened one to see that the Nemesis had been still. She opened both eyes to see that the monster was frozen still. the Nemesis was standing still mid stride like a statue.  
  
What the fuck is going on here? thought Jill.  
  
Suddenly a voice in her subconcious said fight the monster or run inside the R.P.D. What the hell was that she thought? The voice repeated itself again and again.  
  
Jill wanted to run back to the streets of Raccoon City but the sub concious voice wouldn't let her.   
  
The mobile phone in Jill's pocket rang again.   
  
Jill pulled it out and pressed the recieve button.  
  
"Ah hello," said a very nervous Jill.  
  
"Its me the director again. You do realise that you have to take one of the two choices now......... Hey Nemie take 2."  
  
The Nemesis finished his stride and walking other to the nearby gates. It leant against them and pulled out a ciggie from its trenchcoat.It then pulled out a lighter, lit it and took a drag from the ciggie.  
  
Jill was astonished at this. After a few seconds of looking at the smoking monster she collected her thoughts back together and angrily said, "Why is that? Why can't determine my own path?"  
  
"Cause when we programmed this game we knew it was a cheap RE2 rip off so to make it different we'd put this crappy option in."  
  
"Do you really think that people are that gulable, that they would play a nearly identical version of RE2?" questioned Jill.  
  
"Well we've sold over 100,000 copies of it so far," said the amused director.  
  
Jill paused for a moment, she was beginning to grown pissed off.  
  
Jill then scremed into the phone, "For fucks sake you the biggest wanker i've met in years."   
  
Jill hung up the phone and shoved it back in her pocket.  
  
She noticed that the Nemesis was still on a smoke break. She saw her moment of oppuntinity and took it. She ran as fast as she could towards the main doors to the R.P.D.  
  
The Nemesis was thinking about what he was going to do later and lazily looked over in the young womens direction. He could now see that she was running towards the police station entrance. He quickly flicked his ciggerette away and ran as fast as he could to the now fleeing young women.  
  
Jill was only metres away from the door but could see the monster had caught to her trying to get into the police station. She gritted her teeth and pushed herself as hard as possible. She opened the door and flung herself inside.   
  
The door slammed shut behind her.  
  
She got up on her feet and looked back at the doors.  
  
The doors were voilently being barged against. However they were still intact, that didn't make much sense she thought. A 10 foot freak like that should bust them open with one finger.  
  
She could hear the monster on the other side say, "Hey that was not fair, you took advantage of me, i feel voilated now."  
  
The monster continued banging away half heartily at the doors for a few more minutes before giving up. The Nemesis could be heard saying, "Stuff this i'm going for another smoke."  
  
Jill sighed with relief, she should be safe in the R.P.D for a while.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. The R.P.D

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Jill looked around the reception area of the R.P.D, it was unusally queit. It was ususally teaming with life. Jill decided to try the first door on the left, it was locked. She realised that the last sirviving police officers here might have tripped the locks to try and keeps the zombies out. She then decided to stroll over to the computer at the reception desk that contained the computer which in control of the door locking mechanisms for the R.P.D.   
  
Jill reached the computer and looked at the display. It showed this:  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
R.P.D  
  
West wing: Locked  
  
East wing: Locked  
  
Locker room: Unlocked  
  
You need a keycard to unlock all the doors  
  
Hint: Scab Brad's keycard it should be out in the coutyard cause the silly twat always carries the thing around with him. Oops i've said to much.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Jill grunted in frustration when she veiwed the display. How dare they remove Tetris she thought. I had the highest score. It had taken Jill hours to break Brad's previous record and now it was all gone. Jill cried in deperation, out of all the death and devestation in Raccoon City one thing she expected to remain untouched was her Tetris game. Jill wiped away a tear and took a swig of JD to settle her nerves. Once Jill had settled down she decided to go into the only unlocked room, the locker room.  
  
Jill opened the door to the locker room very slowly just in case there might be a nasty surprise on the other side. When she noticed the coast was clear she walked inside the locker room. The first thing she noticed was the putrid smell of death and the place was in real state of disarray. It looked like a running battle had been fought here, tables and chairs were upturned everywhere. The walls and florrs of the room were decorated in blood.   
  
Jill then heard a low moan that sent a chill down her spine. There were 3 zombies shuffling there way around at the other end of the room. Two of them were in police uniforms and the ohter was in civilian clothing. They didn't notice that Jill had entered the room. One of them was just shuffling around mindlessly admiring his handy work and the other two were playing what looked like a game of chess. Jill was stunned at this and watched on in awe.  
  
One of the zombies playing the game moved his queen so that it cornered the other ones king thus checkmating him. The zombie that won the game said, "I do believe that is checkmate."  
  
The other one banged his half decayed hand on the desk beside him out of frustration. The force of the blow knocked his hand clean off, his left hand was hand was now sitting on the floor beside him.  
  
The zombie admiring its handy work snickered at its comrades misfortune.  
  
The zombie who had just lost his hand ignored the snickering zombie and said, "Dammit Paul your just too good for me, how about 3 out of 4?"  
  
Jill couldn't help but snicker at what had just happened.   
  
The zombie admiring his handy heard Jill snickering and suddenly spotted her watching them.  
  
It immediately walked over to its other two comrades and tapped one on the shoulder and whispered, "Hey Fred we have company, act dumb, we're zombies remember."  
  
The zombie who just heard the message went red with embarassment and muttered, "Oh yeah."  
  
The zombies who were playing chess stood up and slowly shuffled towards Jill. the hands were outreached as if they were summoning Jill. One of them let out a low sad sounding moaning. One of the zombies said, "Hey thats good fred."  
  
The other zombie responded with, "Shhhhh shutup."  
  
All three zombies slowly shuffled towards Jill.  
  
Jill pulled out her machine gun and disposed of them quickly. When she noticed the room was clear she ran over the duty officer's office.   
  
On the floor was the corspe of Marvin Brangh, it looked like he had died only recently. Beside him was a letter, Jill picked it up and read it.  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
To whomever reads this  
  
I hope I've made Capcom happy now, total infestation of raccoon City has been completed. What was left of the R.P.D marched off to their deaths even though we knew we were greatly outnumbered we did it for the wonderful people at Capcom. I can now die happily knowing that i have made a kick arse intro and i have increased the profit margin of Capcom.  
  
I also meet the main character of RE3, Leon Kennedy. I'm so happy to meet him before i died.  
  
Now all i have to do is wait before i turn into one of those undead creatures. Can't wait.  
  
Marvin Brangh  
  
P.S That was all sarcasm by the way, i'm in such pain here. Next time i see Leon i think i might try to take a piece of him.  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Jill stepped out of the office and decided that she should head for the S.T.A.R.S office. She didn't know why she wanted the go there, she knew what it looked like, she had been working there for years. However something higher then her own conscience compelled and pushed onto the S.T.A.R.S office.  
  
Jill decided to visit the photo development labs before going to the S.T.A.R.S office. She opened the door. The coast was clear no monsters or zombies were walking around. She noticed that there was a letter laying on one of the tables, it was by by David Forde. It read:  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I can't believe it, this whole place has gone insane. Last night a few rowdy zombies and lickers broke into my marijuanna labs and stole my latest crop. I have noticed that they have spread my stash throughout the city. They were trying to distrubute it to any zombie or other bioweapon they could find. If you find them can you please put a bullet in their heads for me.   
  
I have given up hope of getting it back so i have decided to end my life. I can't live in this craziness without a bit of pot or weed.  
  
This is David Forde signing off.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jill finished reading the letter and filed it away. She looked around the room and could see nothing of interest. She was hoping she could find some of that weed that David had grown. It would go nicely with some of this JD. Jill left the room and headed for the S.T.A.R.S office.  
  
Jill approached the S.T.A.R.S office door for the second time. She had gone up the first time only to realise the door was locked, then she was sent on a wild goose chase to find it. She had just recently aquired the S.T.A.R.S office key in the police operations room. She was now beginning to think that there was a whole conspiracy against her. Everything seemed to be hidden or involved some type of searching or puzzle solving. She could sworn yesterday that she left the S.T.A.R.S key in the locker room with all the other keys to the R.P.D. But today it somehow materialised to the police operations room. She also had a pretty gem which she had found in the police confiscations room. She was clueless to why it was there. She had taken it so she could hock it off later when she got out of Raccoon City. She shook the massive conspiracy off and used the key to open the door.  
  
She walked inside the office and took a look around. She noticed the picture of the S.T.A.R.S team on the wall behind Wesker's desk. She remembered when Chief Irons had allocated a room to S.T.A.R.S Alpha and Gamma team. It was was too small for them, there were a good 12 members per team and the room could fit 5 desks. All of them protested but Chief Irons had said that the police station was only small and this was the only room they could offer. Small my arse she thought, the police was so big, she'd sometimes wonder why they had such a big police station for such a small city.  
  
Jill laughed at how there used to be 2 or 3 at a desk all trying to work at once when everyone in the S.T.A.R.S team was still alive. There would always be constant bickering due to the lack of space. Wesker wnd Barry would always have to act like parents and tell any of the trouble makers and rowdy people off. Wesker was always constantly telling everyone off for picking on Brad. She looked over at the corner and smiled fondly, she remembered how that was known as the sin bin, anyone rowdy would have to sit over their without talking to anyone for 10 minutes. That was real tough considering that each of them usually had to deal with inquires or anser the telephone. Chris and Jill were regulars over there, they were the real trouble makers out of the group.  
  
Jill walked over to Chris's desk and found a letter. It read:  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Forgive me Claire  
  
I'm off to Europe to settle a score with Umbrella head quaters.  
  
Actually the truth is Capcom made me leave town so you could a part of RE2. You should have no trouble getting out of Raccoon City alive, there is no way they would kill a main character off. Plus i'm sure they'll give you supporting characters who'll work with you to escape Raccoon City. I can almost gurantee that one of them will be a handsome young male who has a heart of gold and you will probably have some romantic interest in. He will probably be slighly poofy and a bit of SNAG (sensitive new age guy). They will probably also have someone who is young and innocent yet street smart. She will probably be annoying as hell and run or disappear at the most crucial times.   
  
Anyway i must go now.  
  
See you in the sequel.  
  
  
Love Chris Redfield  
  
  
P.S Promise me that when you leave Raccoon City you will ditch the poofy hero and put a bullet in the head of the whingey brat.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jill shed a single tear. The bastard didn't even mention me once. Jill scribbled something nasty down in Chris's diary. Even though he probably won't read it, it made her feel better that she had written it down. She also left her phone number on top of the diary just in case that handsome young male happened to read this diary first.  
  
Jill walked over to her desk and picked up her trusty old lockpick. A sudden flash back from RE1 hit her. She could remember Barry giving her this and saying he gave it to her cause she was the master of lock picks. She shuddered at that cheesy dialogue. She thanked God that the dialogue had improved alot since the first game but it was still cheesy somtimes. She put the lockpick in her pocket.   
  
She turned around and noticed the weapons cabinet.  
  
She walked over to the weapons cabinet and found a magnum. She pulled it out and stared in awe at its shiny surface. She seemed to be hymotised by it, just as a crow is to shiny objects. She eventually got over it and found a place to holster the magnum. She closed the doors the weapons cabinet and head for the door.  
  
Suddenly the radio sparked to life. A young man's voice on the radio could be heard calling for help, she decided to ignore it and close the door behind her. She was too busy save her own pretty arse to worry about others.   
  
A strange feeling passed over her, she suddenly felt as if she had finished searching the police station. Even though she knew that she should go down to the basement and perhaps get some weapons from the weapons room. She tried to protest but her legs seemed to guide her towards the entrance of the R.P.D.   
She screamed out loud, "Why the hell am i doing this? I've searched this police station for over an hour and all i have to show is a crappy lock pick, a gem and a magnum. For fucks sake i probably could of made a lockpick from the debris on the streets. Theres so much metal lieing around i probably could whip one up in a jiffy."  
  
However much her mind protested her legs would walk her towards the main entrance of the R.P.D. It was if someone was controlling her, this reminded her of the massive conspiracy against her.  
  
Jill walked down the stairs and towards the confiscation room. She was just about to open the door to the confiscation room when she heard a crashing. The monster from before had been following her and crashed through the window at then end of the hall. She opened the door the confiscation room and ran as fast as she could. The Ne  
  
The Nemesis said, "Heres Johnny," and laughed an evil laugh.  
  
The Nemesis persued Jill through the confiscation room and locker room. She opened the door to the main hall and bolted right for the main entrance. However she stopped dead in her tracks when she heard the monster weezing from the locker room.   
  
She could barely make it out say, "Dammit, have to give up smoking its killing me."  
  
She could then hear the monster walk in the opposite direction and close the door behind itself.  
  
Jill sighed with relief, she had met this monster twice and had been able to outrun it. He wasn't as scary as Brad made him out to be. Actually he seemed a bit easy to beat. She had to give him credit though he definitely didn't give up. plus he looked real kick arse with that rocket launcher and long grey trench coat.  
  
Jill walked up to the main entrance and opened the doors and exited.  
  
It was getting cold outside and it was growing dark. She cursed to herself gently, she was freezing her tits off. Why couldn't she wear something more practible. She realised she was still trying to impress Chris even though he wasn't here.  
  
She was snapped out of here thoughts by a low moan drifting over the chilly night air. She had to get moving, it would probably get more dangerous at night.  
  
  
  
Sorry if that was a bit crap but i'm not taking a whole heap of time in writing this.  
  
the joke about sharing desks in the S.T.A.R.S office came from when i played the game there were only 5 desks in the office. In RE1 it said there were 12 members from each team. So i was just trying to work out where they all sat.  
  
I'm planning on doing on for RE2 after this. Please tell me if you think this would be good or not.  
  
Anyway thanks for reading this far, please read and review.  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. The dinner

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
  
Chapter 5  
  
  
Jill had been walking around the city for what seemed like hours. She had seen so no survivors at all, she would occassionally hear the odd scream but when she checked it out it had always been to late.   
  
She was growing pissed off because she had not found one single piece of weed from David Forde's stollen stash.  
  
Jill opened a door that lead to an unknown part of Raccoon City she had never visited before.  
  
As soon as she passed through the door she heard a gunshot. She turned to her right to see a mercenary taking a potshot at a zombie and running off around the corner.  
  
She decided to run after him due to he was the only survivor she had seen in hours. She followed him all the way to a dinner. She entered the dinner, she could see no evidence that anyone alive had passed through here in hours or days. Jill decided to go through the kitchen just in case. As she was passing through the kitchen she saw what looked like an entry way to a cellar. Perhaps they stored wine or some sort of alcohol down there. She noticed she was running low on JD and desperately needed to drown her sorrows. The door was locked, she tried to use her "mighty lockpick" on it but this proved extremely difficult. She mentally cursed herself for even trying to use the "mighty lockpick" it was a stupid stupid idea. When she was about to guve up she found She crow bar lieing nearby and used that to open the door to the cellar.   
  
Jill opened the cellar door, just as she was about to step in and have a look she heard someone walking towards her.  
  
Jill immediately reached for her machine gun and trained it in the direction the sound was coming from. After a second she realised she had her gun trained on the mercenary survivor.  
  
The survivor exclaimed, "Whoa take it easy there I'm a human."  
  
Jill sighed with relief. Even though she realised that was a line from RE2 she was glad that it wasn't corny like some of the ones in RE1 (such as "What is this?").   
  
Jill looked at the survivor he was in his 20's, was of athletic build, looked of south american descendance and was rather cute.  
  
The survivor walked over to the now open cellar and looked inside. His face broke out in a broad smile and he excitedily said, "Hey you got it open, now we can get us some alcohol."  
  
Jill glared at him and said, "Hey were you waiting for me to open it?"  
  
Carlos oblivous to Jill's anger smiled back and said, "Yes, i didn't want to get my beautiful hands dirty."  
  
Jill rolled her eyes when she heard this. Jill ignored the survivor selfish act and was glad that someone was still alive.  
  
Jill said, "My names Jill Valintine I'm with the Raccoon City S.T.A.R.S team. Whats your name handsome?"  
  
Carlos said, "My name is Carlos Olveria I'm with the U.B.C.S. I'm here to rescue any of civilians that are still alive."  
  
Jill walked up to him and ran her hands over his chest and said, "I bet you are big boy."  
  
Carlos got excited at Jills advance and blurted out, "Did you know all the foxy chics like me?"  
  
Jill took a step back and slapped Carlos on the face. She angrily said, "Do you realise how fucken gay that just sounded? You'd think after two other game they would have better dialogue."  
  
Carlos looked hurt, his lower lip began to tremble.  
  
Jill felt sorry for him, she was just about to apologise when she heard a crashing. Suddenly the Nemesis appeared from the back entrance and slowly walked towards the group.  
  
Jill gasped and whispered, "The smoking monster is back."  
  
Jill grabbed Carlos by the hand and forced him into the cellar. Once both of them were inside Jill closed the cellar door behind them.  
  
Just as Jill and Carlos made it in the cellar the Nemesis let off a rocket by accident. He really had no idea how to use this thing and still was getting used to it. The stray rocket hit a water main nearby.  
  
The Nemesis clenched his fist in frustration, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't catch that little turd.  
  
Suddenly all the water pipes busted around Jill and Carlos and water began filling the room at a fast rate.  
  
Jill looked at Carlos he still had the expression of hurt child.  
  
Jill interrupted his sulking and said, "We need to find a way out here."  
  
Carlos crossed his arms and replied with, "Not until you apologise to me."  
  
Jill rolled her eyes, they were in a life or death situation and this dickhead wanted an apology.  
  
The water was freezing and was now at their knees.  
  
Jill calmy replied with, "I have no time to apolgise now, we have to work a way out of here or we will drown."  
  
Carlos turned his back on Jill and said, "I will not help until you apologise to me."  
  
The water was now at their waists and was rising fast. Carlos seemed oblivious to the fact that could drown any minute.  
  
Jill lost it and shouted, "LISTEN YOU SILLY FUCK WE'RE GOING TO DROWN DOWN HEAR IF YOU DON'T PULL YOUR THUMB OUT AND HELP ME FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE."  
  
Carlos put his fingers in his ears and yelled, "I'M NOT LISTENING, I'M LISTENING UNTIL YOU APOLOGISE."  
  
Jill screamed out in frustration and shouted, "THATS IT YOU CAN DROWN DOWN HERE IF YOU WANT TOO. I'D RATHER GO OFF AND FIGHT THAT MONSTER THAN HANG AROUND A SILLY TURD LIKE YOU."  
  
Any feelings that Jill had for protecting or likng Carlos were thrown out the window. She had not met a A1 wanker like this fellow since Chief Irons.  
  
The water was now around their necks.  
  
Carlos still had his fingers in his ears and was saying, "I told you i can't hear....."  
  
Carlos was cut off by the rising water as it engulfed his head. However he continued to talk even though he was submerged under water.   
  
Jill swam for the ladder and climbed it, she opened the cellar door and pushed herself out.  
  
Jill stood on her feet and quickly reached for her magnum. She looked around frantically for the smoking monster. After a few seconds she suddenly spot it. It was standing at the other end of the kitchen however it was not moving. Its eyes were trained on Jill, its facial expression was of total surprise. The ciggie in its mouth dropped to the floor, the monster also let go of its rocket launcher, it hit the ground with a loud thud. It was if the monster was in total shock.  
  
What the fuck is going on here? though Jill.  
  
The Nemesis finally made some type of movement and said, "Ohhhhh mumma got to get me a piece of that fine arse," and slowly walked towards Jill with its hands outstretched.  
  
Jill was trying to work out what was wrong then she looked down at her dress. The cold water had made her nipples become errect. Jill cursed to herself and muttered, "Serves me right for buying poorly lined slutty clothes."  
  
Jill didn't hesitate in firing on the approaching horny monster and let it have it. The magnums blasts tore through the approaching monster, each time only slowly it done marginally. By the last shot the monster was starting to sway, one more shot and she'd have him for sure. She pulled the trigger, click click click, she was out. Jill reached for her machine gun but before she could reply Carlos threw himself out of the cellar behind her and let the Nemesis have it. After a few seconds of fire the Nemesis fell over forwards in a pool of its own purple blood.  
  
Carlos laughed and shouted, "MAN, I NAILED HIM."  
  
Jill rolled her eyes and said, "You didn't nail him you just finished him off for me and WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST DIE DOWN THERE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALOT EASIER ON ME."  
  
Carlos was yet again oblivous to her anger and laughed.  
  
Carlos suddenly noticed Jills errect nipples through her wet dress and said, "I told you all the foxy chics liked me."  
  
Carlos was about to touch them when Jill slapped him on the face and shouted, "HAVEN'T I ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW GAY THAT SOUNDS. DON'T SPEAK TO ME UNTIL YOU GET SOME BETTER DIALOGUE. WHILE YOUR ALSO IMPROVING YOURSELF GET A BETTER SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT, YOU SOUND LIKE A CALFORINIAN DOING A NASTY SOUTH AMERICAN ACCENT. CAN'T THE GUYS AT CAPCOM GET A BETTER VOICE ACTOR FOR YOU?"  
  
Carlos laughed and said, "OK i forgive you too."  
  
Jill screamed in frustration. Carlos had not listened to her at all, he had just stared dully back at her with a blank expression.  
  
Jill looked at the now dead monster. There was not much keeping her here and she wanted to put as much distance between this wanker and herself as possible.  
  
Jill said, "Hey dickwod, I'm getting outta here."  
  
Jill left the dinner with Carlos not far behind her.  
  
  
  
  
Hey people, my next chapters going to be solely on the Nemesis. i hope your enjoying the story, please read and review. :) 


	6. My name is Nemesis

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
  
The Nemesis had woken to see that the young lady had left. He was still fuming at how she managed to put him down in the first place. Of course he was not designed to be put down that easily, the more damage you gave him the more he eveloved to compensate that. After waking up he had limped to a safe place to gain its strength back and refelect with what had gone wrong at its last attampt. It had seeked refuge on a rooftop near Raccoon City power plant.   
  
The Nemesis fiddled with it's rocket launcher while deep in thought. What had gone wrong it thought? One moment it was thinking clear and concise and next thing it knew all it wanted to do was jump the women's bones it had been chasing. Perhaps a bit of humanity still remained in the monster that Umbrella had created. Or prehaps he was just a horny monster, who knows. He couldn't remember too much before his transformation all he knew was that he used to be human.   
  
Someone who made him was nice enough tell it about its past life before being a monster.  
  
He used to work for Umbrella and used to work in the U.B.C.C.C (Umbrella Biohazzard Crap Cleanup Crew). They were a very elite trained bunch of janators who would risk life and limb to clean up anything from zombie turds to hunter turds so the biohazzard freaks could have a happy existence.  
  
He had apparently enjoyed his time in the U.B.C.C.C and was about to be promoted to the highest level in his profession, the U.C.C (Umbrella Cleaning Crew [plain old janator]).  
  
However he had been bought in dead one day after a tragic accident with an electric sweedish pennis power pump. He had been told that he had tried to use it in the bath. That told the Nemesis two things about its old self, he was extremely stupid and very horny.   
  
The doctors who transformed him into a monster were very impressed with his errect pennis even after death. The doctors had to go to extradinary measures to fix his huge boner.  
  
A tear of pain came to his one good eye when he thought what they did to his family jewels.  
  
Anyway the young women's errect nipples had stirred something that he thought was long dead in him, his humanity. This meant he was starting to remember what he liked and disliked in his old life.  
  
The Nemesis had stopped at a few stores on his way to his refuge. He had picked up a couple things, an MP3 player to play his favourite rock music, some more ammo, some more malbros which it had found it was running low on and some cuban cigars which it planned to smoke in celebration when it killed the young lady.   
  
The Nemesis thought about how he had been promised a big part in a RE game. Capcom had told him he would be a big super star like Willian Birkin. They actually had promised RE Code Vernica to him but ditched him from the project due to his bad smoking habbit. Capcom had said he was not a good enough role model to promote the Sega Dreamcast. The Nemesis had tried to argue back with saying that if Sonic can still get a game why can't it? Of course they didn't listen. The Nemesis had tried to go out and prove how good he was. After several court cases and AVO's later against sonic he had learnt that he should give up. He had learn that sonic that hedgehog was much harder to kill then he looked.   
  
He had given up all hope when they tolh him that RE2 would be the last game of the playstation. However Capcom realised they could milk the PS1 just a bit more and decided to release RE3. The Nemesis knew that this was its big chance and it could not let it slip by. It had to make itself out to be seperate itself from the pack. Thats why he tried double as hard as William did, trying to make more appearances and be tougher then he was. Plus Capcom had put him on an extremely tight timeline and budget. He had been told when he should appear and to use his rocket launcher sparingly.   
  
Who was he trying to fool anyway? He was in a market full of much badder guys? How could he compare against other classics like Liquid Snake and William Birkin. He would be soon forgotten once the new RE came out.   
  
The Nemesis put his head between his legs and thought of happy thoughts.   
  
Something clicked and he suddenly realised that he shouldn't feel sorry for himself. He was in city that was in complete devastation, he was the biggest and meanest mother out there, no one could tell what to do, how cool is that?  
  
The Nemesis suddenly could hear a group of zombies coming along, he looked down and good see a group of 10 or so zombies suffling off towards the power station.  
  
One of the zombies could be heard saying, "Hey Fred, hows the wife and kids going?"  
  
Fred replied with, "Talk about a pain in the arse, i had to savage one of them to shutup."  
  
The Nemesis looked on eagerly at the zombie group and smiled wickedily to itself and grabbed its rocket launcher. It picked up the MP3 player and set it to shuffle and pressed play. The Limp Bizkit song 'I disappear' began to play through the MP3 player.  
  
The group of zombies looked up at where the source of the music was coming from.  
  
Suddenly from no where came a rocket tearing the first zombie clean in two and obliterating another zombie totally.  
  
One of the zombies looked at his his obliterated friend and asked, "Fred are you OK?"  
  
The Nemesis chuckled to himself at the zombies question.  
  
The Nemesis let off several more rockets until the zombie pack was no more. The Nemesis pulled out a cuban cigar, bit the end of it and lit it. It took a drae and blew a few smoke circles.  
  
The Nemesis then muttered, "I'm back in business baby, i'm back in business."  
  
With this it jumped onto its feet and chased after Jill Valentine. The Nemesis had a renewed strenth and was more determined then ever.  
  
  
  
  
I hope that wasn't too bad, got exams coming up so chapters might be posted not as fast as usual sorry. Please read and review :)  



	7. Size does matter

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
  
  
Jill read the sign it front of here, it read:  
----------------------------------------------  
  
  
Tram terminal  
  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
Yes, this will be my way to the outskirts town thought Jill. Then I can get out of this hell hole and sell my story for millions. Perhaps they can even make a movie or even a game out of it. She pondered at this thought for a minute and shook her head. Who on earth would want to play a game about zombies taking over a town, only an idoit would.  
  
Jill walked through the gate that lead to the train terminal, up ahead she could see a burning wreckage beside a parked tram. Only the front of the tram was visible, the rest was hidden by a building.  
  
She laughed to herself, she will soon be away from this nightmare. She ran towards the tram, as she ran the corner she stopped dead in her tracks, the smile on her face turned a look of fear.  
  
About 10 feet away was a group of ten zombies, none of them had noticed her yet. They were all standing around two zombies cheering them on for some reason. She noticed that there was an door to the tram 5 feet away, perhaps she could sneak up and get in without alerting them.  
  
Jill sneaked all the way to the door without the zombies hearing her, they were too busy cheering on the other two zombies. She slowly opened the door but to her alarm it was locked. The only other door was beside the group of zombies.   
  
Jill decided to wait to the zombies finished what they were doing. She listening eagerly to see whating was going on.  
  
The group of zombies were cheering, "Go, go, go," as the two zombies appeared to be having a pissing contest, to see how high they can spray.  
  
One of the zombies reached the line first and threw its arms up in air as a sign of vistory.  
  
The rest of the zombies cheered, "Tony, Tony, Tony."  
  
One of the other zombies said, "Tony your the man."  
  
Another one said, "I didn't know we could piss."  
  
Another zombie angrily said, "Shutup Ed."  
  
Jill giggled at how immature the zombies were acting.  
  
The zombies stopped cheering when they heard the giggling, they turned around and looked at the intruder.  
  
One of the zombies said, "Lets get her."  
  
Jill gasped in wonder at the size of one the zombies undead pennis, it had to be 8 inchs long, sure it was rotting and disgusting but my god it was huge. The other zombie quickly put away its inferior member and joined the other zombies.  
  
Jill backed away slowly, she had never seen a zombies undead pennis before, she looked on in horror and awe. It was if she was looking at horrific accident, she didn't want to look but was strangely drawn.  
  
The well endowed zombie noticed that Jill was looking at his pennis and decided that he would use this to make himself look good in front of his mates.  
  
The well endowed zombie turned to his mates with a half rotted smile and then turned back to the lady. He then thrusted his hips and said, "Do you want some of this baby, " and pointed down at his member.  
  
The movement of the badly decaying pennis was enough to make Jill to swear off not ever having sex ever again. The only thing that saved her from this was the thought of Chris all oiled up and ready to rumble.   
  
Jill turned around and ran as far as she could, she had gotten over the well endowed zombies pennis.  
  
She ran all the way to the corner and turned around, the zombies were now 5 metres away and closing fast.  
  
She pulled out her pistol, she had 5 bullets left, she cursed to herself softly, she didn't have enough bullets to put all of them out of their misery.   
  
Suddenly an idea came to her.  
  
She looked at the well endowed zombie and smiled.  
  
The well endowed zombie said, "Come to me baby, you know you want this."  
  
Jill trained her pistol on the zombie and let one shot off, the now advancing zombies stopped walking and looked on in horror.  
  
The well endowed zombie fell to his knees, his pennis was shot clean off by Jill. He fumbled around on the ground for it and held it in his hand and shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."  
  
The other zombies looked at him uncomfotably accept for one which snickered at its misfortune.  
  
One zombie queitly said, "Is it OK Tony?"  
  
Jill slowly walked towards the tram, she enough of running away from these zombies. As she walked she kept his pistol trained on every zombies groin she passed. All the zombies tried to keep as far away as they could, most of them tried vainly to cover their groins.   
  
Jill made it to the far door without any trouble, the ex well endowed zombie was now curled up in a ball crying.   
  
Jill looked back at the now cringing zombies and said, "Even undead, you guys still think with those things."  
  
Jill entered the tram and slammed the door shut behind her, she could hear the zombies taking the oppunitity to shuffle off.  
  
One of them could be heard saying, "Come on Tony, we'll go to Safeway and get some super glue and try to put it back on."  
  
Jill walked over to the terminal that operated the power to the motor on the tram. She pressed the button that started the motot, nothing happened, she then looked at a memo, it said:  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
To whoever reads this  
  
You need to obtain the wires, oil and fuse to the engine thats runs this tram. They have been scattered throughout the city. I argued with my boss at why I couldn't just leave them in the tram or maybe the tool shed but he laughed at me and said that was to easy.   
  
I have no idea why he wanted me to do this, then again everything in this city involves puzzles to do anything. For example this morning I want to take a dump really badly and couldn't get to the bathroom cause they door was locked so I had to get the bed sheet and.....  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Jill didn't continue reading the mindless rambles of the letter.   
  
Jill thumped her fist in frustration. She then put her hands in her hair, pulled on it and cried out, "WHY DOESN'T ANYTHING FUCKEN WORK IN THIS CITY, EVERYONE REQUIRES A PUZZLE TO OPERATE IT."  
  
Jill stopped her whinging when she heard a soft moan. She turned around to see an injured man lying on a bench. She stood up and ran over to the man.  
  
The man was delerious and was incoherient, he was muttering something. She listened to see if it was anything helpful or interesting. Perhaps he knew some hot goss.  
  
"No, no, no stay together, stay together, no, no, come on stay together, we must escape, no, no, nooooo."  
  
Hmmmmmmmm what was he talking about? thought Jill. It looked like the poor bastard had a traumatic time.  
  
"Go for the legs, stop him, we have to stop Carlos, for the love of God we need to stop him, no, no stay together, don't run off please, don't leave me with him, NOOOOOOOOO."  
  
Ohhhhh I see now, the poor bastard had to work with Carlos, that would drive me mad too.  
  
She let him be and decided to check out the next carriage. Jill opened the door, too her horror and surpirise she found Carlos and a grey headed middle aged man in the next room.  
  
The grey headed man looked her up and down and said, "Who are you?"  
  
Carlos spoke up and said, "Corporal Carlos Olivera of the U.B.C.S."  
  
The Russian snapped, "Not you, you fool, I was asking her?"  
  
Jill noticed he spoke with a Russian accent. So he was an exotic man, well exotic compared to Raccoon City. Being exotic here meant not marrying your cousin or sister.  
  
Jill looked at the Russian in the eyes and said, "My name is Jill, Jill Valentine."  
  
Carlos then said, "My name is Corporal Carlos Olivera of the U.B.C.S, nice to meet you."  
  
Jill shook her head, he was still stupid and annoying as ever.  
  
The Russian ignored Carlos and asked, "How did a girl like you survive?"  
  
Jill was angered by this statement and shouted, "I'M NOT A GIRL, I'M A LADY, I'M WITH THE R.P.D S.T.A.R.S DIVISION AND I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU UP THE ARSE IF YOU EVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN."  
  
There was silence for a few seconds.  
  
Carlos was first to speak up and said, "Thats right she a lady not a girl and you all know how all the foxy ladies like me."  
  
Jill pulled out her pistol and stormed over to Carlos and forced it into his mouth.  
  
Carlos did not flinch one bit and continued to look at her with a glazed over look.  
  
Jill shouted, "I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN, COME ON I DARE YOU."  
  
After she said this she cocked the gun.  
  
Carlos looked at Jill blankly for a few seconds and then said,"All the fox...."  
  
The Russian shouted, "DON'T SHOOT MY BITCH...... AHHHH I MEANT COMRADE AHAHAHA, YEAH I MEANT MY COMRADE HEHEHEHEHE"  
  
The Russian went bright red in the face, after saying this.  
  
Jill calmed herself down and pulled her pistol out of Carlos's mouth.  
  
The Russian thought to himself, hmmmmmm this one is fiesty, perhaps its time I get rid of Carlos and upgrade to a new model. Yes that sounds excellent.  
  
The Russian turned to Jill and said, "We need to use this tram to get to the other side of the town, however it is missing parts, can you help me find them?"  
  
Jill looked at the man, there was something she could not trust about him, perhaps it was the Russian bad guy sterotype. She thought about this and laughed this off, the cold war is over, movies now portray Russians as the good guys. Only poorly written scripts and movies portray the Russian as the bad guy. And there was no way that this game script was poorly written, it was the work of Shakespeare himself.  
  
Jill decided to help him out and said, "Yes, I will help you out, theres one condition though."  
  
The Russian thought, uh oh, maybe she can see through the pretend bad guy facade. He shook this fear off and thought come on, if Albert Wesker could do it, then anyone could.  
  
"Whats it the condition?" cringed the Russian.  
  
Jill pointed over to Carlos and said, "The condition is that you keep him away from me."  
  
The Russian nodded his head and ordered, "Go check up on the other survivor."  
  
Carlos nodded his head but before going he approached Jill and said, "Here have this."  
  
Carlos had offered her a grenade round.  
  
Jill replied with, "No thanks, I don't have a grenade launcher."  
  
Carlos looked blankly at Jill and said, "Here have this."  
  
Jill sighed and accepted the the grenade round, it was quicker for her to accept it then make a big deal over it.  
  
Once she took the grenade round she exited the tram and started to look for the parts to get the tram going.  
  
The Russian waited until she was gone and then started to talk to himself about his plans, like all bad guys do.  
  
"This plan is going to work out just nicely, I shall get her to do all the dirty work while I saty here and plot some more. Then when she gets the tram to work we can escape from this city together and have fantastic sex. Of course I will have to kill my current bitch Carlos but I have not trouble with that."  
  
After saying this the Russian broke out into an evil laugh.  
  
The Russian stopped laughing when he heard another laugh, he turned around to see Carlos still standing there laughing.  
  
Carlos still kept laughing even though he heard that he would be killed when he was no longer needed.  
  
The Russian rubbed his temples and said, "Get out of here Carlos."  
  
Carlos left the carriage laughing, as exited he said, "Hahahaha I'm going to have fantastic sex when we leave this city."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Sorry about the delay, I might have concentrated on some sections more the others but as I say before this is not a serious fic, just some fun.  
  
Please read and review. :)  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Do you take it the arse???

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
This is my first attempt at comedy so please be gentle:)  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
Chapter 8  
  
The Nemesis strode towards the tram terminal where he just saw the young lady enter. The Nemesis looked down at a big gashing wound, which the young lady had just dished out. He was mentally kicking himself for roaring, throwing his arms about and generally showing off every time he came in earshot of the young lady. If only he just sneaked up on her and then kill her, instead of show off and give the bitch time to load up her rocket launcher and fire it up his arse. Next time he was not going to show off, he was just going to march up to her and kill her.  
  
The Nemesis pushed the thoughts aside and increased his pace, he was only 100 metres away from the tram terminal entrance that the young lady had just entered.  
  
Jill opened up the door to the tram. She had just barely managed to kill a giant worm of some sort.  
  
Jill swung open the door to the tram. To her unpleasant surprise Carlos greeted her with his cheesy grin.  
  
Jill stepped into the train and slammed the door shut. She was not pleased that Carlos was still alive.  
  
Carlos said, "Where's Nicholas?"  
  
Jill sighed and said, "Oh you know he sounded like he was killed by zombies but his body was not there when I went to investigate. As usual he is probably alive in some miraculous way as he is the bad guy."  
  
Carlo looked blankly at Jill. His face screwed up as the tiny gears in his peanut size brain began to work overtime.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity Carlos replied with, "Sooooo, you telling me that he'll be held up and we'll have to wait for him.'  
  
Jill lost it, how could this guy make it into Umbrella. She stormed over and pull out some rope from her backpack and began to tie him up.  
  
As Carlos was being tied up he excitedly said, "Oh my, are we starting already."  
  
Jill pulled a gag from her backpack and gagged him. This however did not stop Carlos from talking. He continued on muffling through the gag.  
Once Jill finished tying up Carlos she threw is arse into the front carriage. Once this was done she went back and fixed up the carriage. After a few minutes of doing this, the tram was functioning and ready to go.  
  
Jill ran up to the front carriage and started the tram. The tram lurched with life and slowly began to build up momentum.   
  
After a minute a two, the whole tram violently lurched as if something had hit.  
  
What the fuck was that thought Jill.  
  
She grabbed her gun and held it close to her. I have to go back to the other carriage and check out what the hell that was. She looked down at Carlos was still talking about something.  
  
Jill walked up to the back of the carriage and opened up the door.  
  
She looked down at the injured soldier, he had stopped ranting and was no sitting up. A look of fear was painted across his face.  
  
She quickly glanced over to the rear corner of the carriage to see the Nemesis silently standing there looking at her.  
  
She half heartily said, "Oh its you," and focused her attention on the injured soldier.  
  
The Nemesis was not very impressed by this and put his hands on his hips. What the hell is wrong with this lady? She should be running in fear?  
  
Jill put a hand on his shoulder and said, "There is nothing to fear about now, I have Carlos tied up in the front carriage."  
  
The soldier wet his pants and ignored Jill.  
  
Jill stepped back in disgust and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"   
  
The injured soldier nervously pointed over to the monster that was still standing still. However a look of anger began to creep across its ugly face.  
  
Jill looked at the monster, this guy couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.  
  
The Nemesis snapped when he heard this comment, let out a furious roar and threw his hands in the air. He couldn't stand it any longer, it was in his nature to show off and he wasn't going to let some little bitch get away with insulting him. He was an Umbrella bio-weapon and had a reputation to uphold.  
  
Jill looked at the Nemesis and said, "Was that really necessary."  
  
The Nemesis nodded his head slowly and grinned tightly through his stitched mouth.  
  
Jill locked her gun and smiled.  
  
She then shouted, "BRING IT ON BIG BOY!!!"  
  
Just before she was about to run in screaming with guns a blazing, she heard the injured soldier shout, "STOP."  
  
The Nemesis and Jill stopped dead in their tracks and looked dumbfounding at him.  
  
The injured soldier was now standing with automatic riffle in hand.  
  
He turned to Jill and ordered, "Get out of here, I'll take care of him."   
  
He walked other to Jill and pushed her aside and shouted, "GO!!!!!"  
  
"But I.."  
  
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"OK, OK, OK, look who wants to play hero all of a suddenly" muttered Jill.  
  
The door slammed shut behind Jill.  
  
The Nemesis looked at the puny man before him and threw his head back and laughed. Does this man honestly think he has any chance against me, he is an extra for fucks sake.  
  
The soldier slowly stumbled forward giving the Nemesis the death look.  
  
The Nemesis walked over the man casually.  
  
The soldier let the Nemesis have it with a barrage of the bullets.  
  
The Nemesis continued to walk towards the man unaffected with a huge grin on his face.  
  
Click click click.  
  
The soldier was out of ammo and nervously looked around for an escape route.   
  
Nemesis stood there in laughed. He decided that he would have some fun with this guy.  
  
He ran up to the guy and clothes lined him.  
  
BANG the soldier fell to the ground as the Nemesis ploughed his arm into the soldier's neck.  
  
The soldier groggily stood up on his feet on to here a ungodly roar. He staggered around to see the Nemesis standing on one of the seats in the corner.  
  
Nemesis stood there roared who is the greatest freak in the World and thought I am. As he did this he pointed to himself.  
  
The Nemesis then jumped from the seat and slammed into the soldier.  
  
DAMN that felt good thought the Nemesis.  
  
He stood up and looked at the soldier. He body was twisted and broke. However he was still alive.  
  
To add insult to injury the Nemesis gave the dying man an atomic wedgy.  
  
The soldier winced in pain and with his last strength pulled a grenade from his belt. The Nemesis crouched down beside him to do a full nelson on him.   
  
The soldier pulled the pin on the grenade and shoved it up the Nemesis's arse.  
  
OHHHHHH the Nemesis stood still and to attention. That bought back vivid memories of his love life when he was human.  
  
The soldier smiled and passed out.  
  
The Nemesis looked around nervously and screamed like a little girl.  
  
GOD DAMMIT thought the Nemesis. What do I do now? There is only thing I can do. I'm going to have to fart this thing out.  
  
The Nemesis held onto a nearby seat and prepared for take off.  
  
The Nemesis winced and let off a motherload of gas which had been building inside him.  
  
The intial fart blew out the grenade and the rear half the carriage away.  
  
A second or two later who felt and heard the denotation of the grenade. the heat was so great that he threw himself from what was left of the carriage. The Nemesis hit the ground hard and roles several times. He grunted and looked back at the tram that was riding off into the night.   
  
His eyes widened with fear as he say a trial of flame head his way. The flame from the explosion was following his fart trail. He closed his eyes and grimmaced. this was going to hurt alot.  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A few seconds later there was a blast that shook the front carriage so violently that it nearly through the train off the tracks.  
  
Jill looked back at where the old carriage was and thought serves you right for wanting to play hero.  
  
Jill felt a hand on her shoulder and spun around.  
  
As she spun around Carlos greeted her.  
  
"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT OF THE ROPES?" screamed Jill.  
  
"What ropes?' said a puzzled Carlos.  
  
Jill screamed with frustration, this guy was relentless, was there anything she could do.  
  
She was about to shoot his lily arse when she felt the train lurch forward at greater speed. If they kept going this fast they were going to derail. They had to do something about it.  
  
Jill turned to Carlos and ordered, "We need to stop this tram or we're going to be killed. Help me find a way to stop this thing?"  
  
Carlos put his hands on hips and said, "Uh huh, you have to say please."  
  
Is this guy serious? thought Jill. They were in a life or death situation of this joker wants to hear please.  
  
"C'mon stop playing games I needs your help."  
  
"Nup, not until you say please," said a child like Carlos.  
  
Jill could feel the anger coursing through her veins.  
  
She shouted, "THATS IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE."  
  
She stormed up to Carlos and grabbed him by the head and dragged him over to the nearest panel. She then proceeded to pummel his head into the panel. She looked down in fear, there was no blood or signs of being hurt.  
  
As Jill continued to pummel Carlos head into the panel he starting to think that Jill doesn't like him too much.  
  
Jill collapsed, she had exhausted herself from trying to hurt Carlos. However the guy was not hurt, he was still grinning stupidly back at her.  
  
Jill suddenly realised that the train was going to stop she looked at the window and ran for it. She knew it was a foolish attempt at escape but she'd rather these odds than be stuck with Carlos.  
  
She felt a searing pain as she broke through the window.  
  
Then blackness.  
  
  
  
  
  
OK I know I haven't written in a while but I have university. This might be a bit crap but I hope it feels the void until I have the time to write better.  
  
Please read and review, some of the reviews I receive are a big inspiration. 


	9. Twisted individuals

I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.   
  
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.  
  
There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker at the moment.  
  
  
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure  
  
  
By S.T.A.R.S  
  
  
Chapter 9  
  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP  
  
What the hell is that? Am I dreaming?  
  
  
"What should we do?"  
  
"Ummmmmm should we eat her or maul her?"  
  
"Hmmmmm I don't know actually, what are the rules for when someone is unconcious. I know if we can hurt a person as long as they are running, shooting or hurt."  
  
  
Who are those voices?  
  
  
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP  
  
"That phone is giving me the shits. Can you answer it Fred?"  
  
"Ummmmm Tom should we be doing that?"  
  
"Shes unconcious what harm could it do?"  
  
"Hmmmm I suppose so."  
  
Jill felt a clamly hand reach into her backpack and pull out her phone. It was as if she was in a bad dream and couldn't wake up. Actually it reminded her more of a time she got so drunk that Barry and Chris took her back to her place, bound and gagged her did nasty things to her. Ahhhh those were the good days of binge drinking and kinky sex.  
  
  
"Will you answer it already Fred."  
  
"OK OK you should really get that stick taken out of your backside. Its got you so irritable lately"  
  
"Hahahaha very funny, just answer the phone smart arse."  
  
"No I'm serious, you have a piece of wood sticking out of your backside. I think you should really get it checked out. You got it from that tram crash"  
  
Few seconds pause.  
  
"Well I'll be a monkeys uncle, how did that get there?"  
  
The other zombie answers the phone.  
  
"Yo, Fred your mindless average zombie speaking, who amy I say is speaking?"  
  
Deep breathing is the only thing heard on the other end.  
  
"Hello anyone there."  
  
The deep breathing continues.  
  
"Hey Tom this guy on the phone is a freak. He is just breathing."  
  
"Hahahaha maybe hes getting off on ya."  
  
"Shutup bitch."  
  
"Hey fella I don't have to put up with this bullshit. Are you going to speak or what?"  
  
Deep breathing continues.  
  
"Fuck you too buddy."  
  
The impatient zombie disconnects the call.  
  
  
Who could that be? Maybe its Chris.  
  
  
"Hey Tom, what are we going to do about this chick?"  
  
"I don't know. Perhaps we should get the rule book and check it."  
  
"That sounds like a good idea. I saw it a few rooms back."  
  
"OK lets go get it."  
  
The zombies could be heard slowly shuffling towards the door. Jill waited until she heard the door slam shut.  
  
She opened one eye slowly. There was no one around. She opened both eyes, quickly stood up and dusted herself off. She looked down at her shirt, it was unbutton and one of her breasts were exposed.  
  
Ahhhh shit, those pervert zombies. She quickly dressed herself and tried to clean herself up.  
  
Jill looked around the room she was standing. It was only small. Half of it had been destroyed by the tram. A small fire was raging behind. The heat from it was intense. She turned around, picked up her gear and weapons. She wanted to get out of here before those pervert zombies came back.  
  
She quickly ran over to the door the zombies had just exited from. As she was about to open it she could hear the zombies on the other side ready to come back in. She softly cursed to herself. She pulled out her pistol and aimed it at the door. She decided to take them by surprise.  
  
The zombies muffled voices could be heard on the other side.  
  
"Hey it says here that it takes 5 hours a day to get lickers ready."  
  
"Really, well I'll be. I knew those guys looked to good to be true."  
  
The door swung open. Both zombies were confronted with the now concious lady who had her pistol trained at their heads. Both of them looked at her dumb founded.  
  
"Hey boys, what does you rule book say what a zombie should do when I fire a bullet into tiny brains."  
  
Both of the zombies shrug their shoulders and look at each other.  
  
"Ummmm I'll just look it up."  
  
One of the zombies leafs through the book."  
  
The other stands by impatiently, avoiding eye contact with Jill. It looks a bit embarassed for the hold up.  
  
Jill sighs and growls, "Geez, its not a quiz."  
  
"Wait a second I found it. If a zombie is to incur a gunshot wound to the head, it shall emit a brief moan and fall dead to the floor."  
  
Both zombies look at each other with a look of accomplishment.  
  
"Thanks guys, you really helped me out," sarcastically said Jill.  
  
"No probs....."  
  
BANG BANG  
  
Both zombies emitted a brief moan and fell to the floor, each with a gunshot wound to the head.   
  
Jill walked over to the book that one of the zombies was holding. She picked it up and looked at its cover. The book title read 'So your going to die: A undead guide to Raccoon City by Umbrella.'  
  
Hmmmmmm this looks good thought Jill.  
  
She closed the door and walked over to a nearby chair and sat down. She made herself cosy and opened up the book to the table of contents.   
  
Very interesting thought Jill. This book contains everything to do with the game. The scripts, the rules and character bios. Jill began to read the book and promptly forgot the nightmare that was going on behind her. The fire made her feel nice, warm and sleepy.  
  
  
.............................................................................  
  
"HEY JILL WHERE ARE YOU?"  
  
Carlos voice echoed throughout the house.  
  
Carlos wasn't enjoying this church very much. He was tired, wet, hungry and alone. He also hadn't any sex in over 8 hours and was beginning to become irritable. He had approached a few of the locals and asked if they could help him out. However most of them were rude and would usually tried to literally take a piece of him. This disturbed him greatly. He didn't know how much longer he could hold out. He was beginning to suspect that everyone was against him and that he was in alot of trouble.  
  
He opened another door and looked in. He was no standing in a great big foyer with a grand stair case. A body of a U.B.C.S soldier was nearby. The poor bastard must of died from boredom.  
  
"WHERE ARE YOU JILL? I'M BORED."  
  
There was no reply. Carlos stormed up the stair case, hoping to find Jill soon or at least someone else he could have sex with. He wasn't fussy.  
  
  
.............................................................................  
  
Jill woke up. She looked at her watched.   
  
Dammit. I fell asleep for 30 minutes. I have to go to the bell tower, activate the bell and hail down the rescue chopper. Well thats what the book said anyway.   
  
Jill gathered her possessions and ran off towards the bell tower.  
  
  
.............................................................................  
  
The Nemesis lay still on a roof that overlooked a courtyard. He predicted that Jill will go to the bell tower and signal the helicopter. Well thats what the script said. He could wait here and then snipe her. His plan was fool proof as he had a clear view of the bell tower.  
  
The Nemesis lay still for what seemed like forever. After a few minutes he could see Jill open the door to the clock tower. After a minute or two she was inside. Once she came out again he would fire rocket at her. She would never see it coming.  
  
The Nemesis let out a big scary laugh. His plan was ingenious. Jill would be soon dead.  
  
A smaller high pitched laughing could be heard in the background.  
  
What the hell was that? Was it those bloody lickers?  
  
He swung around to see a a young man laughing alongside him. He was of south american appearance, looked hungry and lost. He almost felt sorry for him but remembered he had to protect his hard arse reputation.  
  
The Nemesis growled at the man and swung his rocket launher at him.  
  
The man side stepped the rocket launcher and put his hands on his hips.  
  
"Whoa that wasn't very nice. You should treat strangers with more respect," said an angry Carlos.  
  
The Nemesis bowed his head in shame.  
  
Hey what a second? Who the hell did this punk think he was. No one talks to me like that.  
  
DONG DONG DONG DONG  
  
Ahhhhh crap. The bells.  
  
It quickly turned around to see Jill standing in the cout yard waving. Crap. It had missed another opportunity. The Nemesis turned back to the man. If he couldn't get the girl, it was going to exact his revenge on him.  
  
The man was no longer there. He had run off.  
  
He could here the thudding of the approaching helicopter. He had failed miserably. He was a second rate bad guy. He looked even lamer than the tyrant in RE1.  
  
He threw his fists in the air in frustration. What the hell was he going to do now?  
  
He heard a beeping, which was coming from a headset he was wearing. He pressed the recieve button.  
  
"This is the director, Jill cannot escape...... shoot down the helicopter."  
  
The Nemesis was taken back, he never realised how cold the director could be.  
  
He stood up on his feet and trained the rocket launcher on the approaching helicopter.  
  
  
  
  
"This is Captain John Smit. I can see youand I'm touching down in the courtyard. Please stand clear."  
  
Jill sighed with relief. It was finally over.  
  
"Hey Jill, thank god I found you."  
  
That voice, it couldn't be?  
  
"Hey Jill its me Carlos."  
  
Jill turned around to be confronted by a grinning Carlos. He looked more stupid than ever. It looked like it was going to be along chopper ride home. A very long one.  
  
The co-pilot squinted from his side of the cockpit. He could make out two individuals on the ground. One of them was wearing an Umbrella unifrom. His faced screwed up when he relised who it was.  
  
"Holy shit, thats Carlos."  
  
The pilot quickly applied more power to the motors and swung the helicopter around to escape. However it was to late. The last thing they heard was a whoosh and intense light. Than darkness.  
  
The Nemesis stood on the roof top and watching the fiery wreckage of the helicopter hit the ground. He stood still and pulled his most menacing face.  
  
Jill looked in disbelief at the helciopter wreckage. She looked at the Nemesis who was standing on a nearby roof. He looked proud of his efforts.  
  
Thats it. He is going down. With this she ran off screaming towards the Nemesis.  
  
  
  
  
Hope your enjoying the story. Please read and review. 


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